I recently read a post a friend and fellow author made about things she loved. It was sweet. It was kind, and inspiring. And then I realized something. She’s not a mother. Her and her wife have a wonderful existence of cats and bliss, and they don’t have to worry about snot, soccer practice, or finding secret little addictions, like the one I have with pre-Christian Grey Jamie Dornan.
In light of her awesome post, I have decided to make a list too, but this one being more inclined to those like me, who need to lock themselves in a bathroom to read her dirty books.
Here we go, with the 10 Things I hate about motherhood (But secretly was excited about before I had kids), list.
- Cloths. I mean, I oddly wanted to dress like a mom before I became one. I was excited about mom jeans, flowered shirts and bedazzlers. Until, I actually put those things on my body. Once I did, I cried for a week and resigned that I will be that mom who bucks trends and wears pink camo everything, including my coffee cup and my I ❤ the 80’s t- shirts.
2. Smells. You don’t have to try too hard to smell nice before kids. I mean, you shower every morning like a grown-up. You have deodorant, yes? A little perfume. Aren’t you sexy! After kids? I thought it would be all baby powder and baby shampoo mixed in with a little apple juice. No one tells you about vomit, poop and stale milk. I actually have to schedule ‘showers’ into the family calendar. And not just for the kids. Otherwise, I wouldn’t remember to actually take one. Deodorant? I think I used my husbands yesterday. Perfume? PAAA…..HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
3. Cars. Who wants a mini-van! Said no one ever. But the prospect of being a soccer mom with a van full of kids sounds cute before you actually have a van full of post soccer smelling pre-pubescent boys. Then there is the mud….and noise. 5 or 6 kids in a very small area. Sometimes for long periods. Yeah, you didn’t think about that, now, did you?
4. A Nice Big House in the Burbs! No! The bigger the house, the bigger the mess, and let me tell you, if you have any small, minute inch of space left, the kids will find something to put in it. Like Pizza crust and their collection of boogers they are saving for church. And you think I am being funny and cute. Nope. It’s all really real, and so is the money you have to pay a maid because your ‘sympathetic vomit’ microchip is kicking in.
5. Bragging rights. Okay, so we have all bragged about our kids. Its nature. We love them, want them to succeed. So when they do, we get all excited. But its when they don’t and people still do this that bugs me. Stop telling me how awesome the little sweetie is at putting one foot in front of the other. Because honey, if you have nothing else to brag about, you need a drink. But sometimes, just keeping them alive and clean makes me want to do this:
6. Dressing them up. Fuck no and no more. My kids will go to church in pajamas. See those moms in the grocery store in pajamas? Most of them are just tired as fuck. Don’t berate them, give them a hug. I had my first 11 years ago, so it’s safe to say that’s over. If their socks match, I’m winning. You’re not gap models, so shut the credit card down ya’ll. They are kids. Not peacocks.
7. Holidays. Okay. So this is tricky. Because I have a love/hate thing going on with these fuckers. First off, lets talk about the expense. I will do this, and it’s cliche, but in my day, you got a few Christmas gifts. You got a cute little easter basket. You got one birthday present and maybe 1.00 from grandma. And, oh, wait. THAT’S IT! Yeah! That’s all you got, assholes! There was no god damn leprechaun, easter was CANDY only and maybe bubbles, defiantly not a fucking bike, and Christmas….what the hell is up with this shit now? When these kids grow up and shit isn’t being handed to them in droves they will stop ceasing to exist. For fucks sake. I’m done. “Magical years” are over bitches. Want an ipod? Save your money! You know what you get? A NAP! I want this. Sadly, it will never happen. If I don’t get Jamie, you don’t get a computer. Now go to bed.
8. Dinner. Yes. You heard me. Real moms cook healthy meals for their family every night. They have colors and all sorts of grains and shit. Yep. No! Not so much. You get hot dogs and Mac and Cheese. And if you don’t eat now, you won’t eat till tomorrow. They are angry little beasties when they don’t eat. AND ITS ALL THEY WANT TO DO! Funnier still? You don’t lose weight! Nope. Not at all. You know why? Because god hates you.
9. Date Nights with the hubs. When it does happen, it usually ends this way, or worse.
10. Last but not least, I will end with sleep. I really thought…..”If god would just give me a baby, I would give up sleep. It’s worth it.”
It’s not. I mean, I love my kids. They are incredible little people. But I’m so fucking tired. YOU. NEVER. SLEEP. AGAIN. I don’t care how old they are. You are always aware. And when they get bigger? You’re trying to make sure they aren’t sneaking out, the little assholes. First you lose sleep making sure they don’t die from choking in the middle of the night, then you lose it making sure they don’t die from stupidity.
That being said, I love being a mom. I really do. Is it the hardest thing I have ever had to do? Yes. But, I would do it all over again tomorrow. Sometimes it makes us angry, sometimes we love it. It’s a balance like anything in life. Enjoy some wine and smut girls. It makes it alllll better!
Cheers my friends,
Mandy is a wife and mother who lives in rural Pennsylvania. She is an Art Instructor, a Romance Author, and Sarcastic beastie. To contact Mandy, send her an email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/M.LWalshAuthor/ and twitter @exposedseries.