There is such a thing as too much.
Yes, there is.
What are you talking about Mandy? Well, gee, two visitors, let me tell you.
Parenting is a marathon. A hard one. The longest one you will ever do. (And, for the record, I don’t run them, because, well, I enjoy food). We all do the best we can. Some of us have it much harder. Some are single mothers, fathers, on welfare, or jobless. We are all fairly lucky to just have two parents, a decent job and a place to live. All in all, we have to pick our battles. The big ones, the little ones. All the battles.
But at risk of aging myself and saying the same shit my parents said, it doesn’t make it any less true.
Kids today. Just. Ugh.
And let me tell you, there are asshole kids because they are being raised by asshole parents. Yeah, you heard me. I’m thinking they would be less likely to be on the news if you actually started questioning behavior and actually did something about it. I would rather be looked on negatively for being too strict, than have a kid end up on the news. And no, not the good kind of news.
Here is a list of things you can do to eliminate the asshole threat. Oh, another list, Mandy? But, you know you like them lists. And be honest, it’s why you show up.
- This is a big one. And why it’s number one. If you don’t have kids, then STFU. Really. Unless you like to be punched in the twat. I know this doesn’t really go with the theme of asshole kids, but assholes in general are also welcome here, and that includes the ones who just ‘know it all’. Fuck off. Seriously.
2. Discipline them. It’s really okay to do that. Now, I know you worked really hard to make them babies, and shit, it took me three years to get my twins, so I get it. They are blessings and all that, blah, blah, blah. We know. They are angels. Gifts from god. And yes, all that is true. But when they start being little dick heads, it’s okay to shut that shit down. I’m not saying beat them, but it’s okay to shout, take shit away and occasionally swat them on the ass. No one is going to jail for raising responsible people. You are not their friend.
3. Stop making multiple meals. Your kids WILL NOT STARVE. While we are at it, it is not acceptable for kids over one to be hand fed. STOP IT. When they are hungry enough, guess what, they will try new things! They may actually EAT what you make. How novel.
4. It’s always okay for your child to defend themselves. Never teach a kid to roll over and take it, and take the “high road”. Sometimes, the road is just the road, and in order to get down it, you need to fucking punch through barriers. Your children will never know how to stand up to anyone if they are taught to be afraid of everyone. If he punches you, you know what? Shit in his toast. Go one up and be a freak. He will never do it again, I promise you that. That being said, the same goes with falling down. Unless you tape nerf balls over him, he will get hurt. That’s why we have hospitals.
5. Bed time. OMG and WTF is wrong with people. When it’s bed time, IT’S BED TIME! And hey, I know your pain. I HATE bedtime as much as I hate homework and warm rice pudding. But let me reiterate to you…..THEY WILL MANIPULATE YOU AS FUCK ALL. They are assholes by nature WITHOUT your help. They don’t need you to add to what they already know, that if they beat you down, you will give in. Stop giving in. You are thirty years older than them. Yeah. Be a grown up. If you have to pick them up via wedgy and hang them on the door knob so they stay in their room, than fine. You will get no judgement from me. Kudos. They do not need: More water, more hugs (thats a big manipulation factor, so watch that one), the fact they didn’t eat dinner when you told them to eat, and now they are hungry, a shower, another glass of water or anything pertaining to a headache. If they are not vomiting or bleeding, they are FINE. GO. TO. FUCKING. BED.
6. School. I cannot TELL you how many asshole parents complain about teachers/education and overall homework loads. While SOME of this has merit, and yes, asshole teachers exist, I guarantee you, your kids will not learn to respect authority if you do not. You may not always agree with what they tell them, do for them, etc. But you are not the only person now that makes rules and you CAN actually talk about these things rationally in reasonable circumstances. They have their reasons, and while you may not agree with them, if the teacher is a decent enough person, then shut your pie hole. It’s not all your way or the highway. All your doing is showing your children that it’s okay to tell people in authoritative positions that it’s okay to shit on them. Good luck in corporate america, kids. They go to school once, and only you will have those regrets when they are forty and living with you and their pregnant stripper girlfriend, Tatiana.
7. Independence. Yay, ‘merica. Our forefathers are crying in hell. (Really, they cheated, drank and fornicated too). So let’s talk about what that means. They can do the following things alone generally by 1-2nd grade; Ride a bike in a relatively safe neighborhood. Use a toaster. Make cereal. Get a drink. Have a few chores, like, feeding a cat, or unloading the dishwasher with help. They can take responsibility for the shitty things they do and say. They have a conscience. They can be considerate and thoughtful and make good decisions, unless, of course you are doing all these things for them. If so, cease and desist. You are doing NO ONE any favors.
8. Pretending you’re perfect. This includes letting them see you cry. For example, I have nasty arthritis. Some days, I cannot get out of bed, and it hurts so much I need to fall apart. My first instinct is not to show them my weaknesses. I should be strong, as I am their mother. But, I’m ALSO a person. Seeing vulnerability teaches kids how to be compassionate to not only you, but the general understanding of suffering and what that means. It shows that they aren’t the only ones with problems. If you walk through parenting as a robot, they will treat you as such, and when you finally DO cry, they won’t have two fucks of knowing what to do. Mom’s make mistakes. Mom’s drink. Own it. It makes you real.
9. Have some sex. Please. No one likes a grumpy mommy who isn’t getting any. I mean, kids aren’t stupid. Happy wife, happy life, and all that. The less reasons you have for being an asshole, the less they do, too. If you were getting laid regularly (and well, we all know how to give directions, so start navigating that shit, please), these kinds of surprises would be met with more mirth and less bitter, angry resentment in life. And if you don’t have a man, buy the prop. Purple glitter, bitches. You can internet and ship that shit in an unmarked, cardboard box. In fact, buy several. You’re welcome.
10. I will leave you with this last asshole-ism. It’s not a contest. Organic or no, Gap or Target, it does not matter. Those who care about that shit don’t matter anyway. So please, please, if they want to wear green rain boots and a batman costume today, just let it go.
No one cares.
You got this.
You stay gold, Pony Boy.
Mandy is a wife and mother who lives in rural Pennsylvania. She is an Art Instructor, a Romance Author, and Sarcastic beastie. To contact Mandy, send her an email:firstname.lastname@example.org. Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/M.LWalshAuthor/ and twitter @exposedseries. Follow the blog for updates on her smut!