Things at my Parents House


I am visiting my parents in my annual summer pilgrimage to my birthplace at the shore. And for the record, people from the shore, call it the beach. It’s not THE shore. It’s A beach. One of many, many beaches. I just wanted to tell you, so when you come to the beach you can avoid angry glances from locals if you use safewords like, “This is a great beach.” or, “Out of ALL the beaches, this one is my favorite.” I’m just trying to help.

As I was trying to find things for my kids to do this morning, I discovered many things that only retired people own. I know this stage of life is inevitable, but I am a good daughter, so, I pointed out some obvious things using tape and a simple note pad and pen combo (just like Sherlock Holmes!)

I also took photos. Yes. I did.

So first. Let’s talk about clocks. Now, my parents are no strangers to technology. In fact, my mom is a self proclaimed gadget whore. They have tablets, iPhones, computers and lap tops. So, whats with all the clocks? Is it just a habit, back when we wore a watch and that’s all? I guess, I mean they are children of the 60’s, if you didn’t wear a watch, then you looked at the sun like crocodile Dundee, right?

Here are some examples of clock obsessive compulsive behavior:

How many printers is too many? I’m assuming both of these work. Is one a backup? Is one for crappy print jobs and one for photos? There is no clarification here.

Convenience is the name of the game at my parents house. At the touch of a fingertip, I have a plethora of pens, scissors, and yes a light that I don’t even have to crane my neck to turn on. My father should design Feng Schwa. Speaking of scissors, these existed when I was a kid. I’m all for if its not broke….etc. But I’m 37 and I’m pretty sure they used these to cut my bangs when I was 8.

My mom wrote this sentiment when they were celebrating 20 years together and had it published in the paper. Sweet, yes. And that’s what romance was in the 80’s. This was sexting in 1987. But I feel it’s my job to note that this is, indeed, expired.

In my path of discovery I counted at least 12 remotes. That’s just borderline certifiable, pops.

On the desk here, under the keyboard is a typical desk calendar with notations. On my immediate right, is a hanging, flippable calendar. I guess there are never too many reminders on what day it is.

My dad is an avid golfer. He even works at a golf club in his retirement. Someone probably thought this was a cool gift. But when someone like me reads this, it can become hazardous for the health. Who would have saved me from choking? The kids playing Wii? Please.

My father has yet, another clock on the desk here, notably to the direct left of the computer clock and the cool golf clock on the wall to the right. We never grew up near NC, went to NC for any college reasons, and at most have driven through it angerly on the way to Florida at best. This had to have been free.

Who uses these big web cams anymore? I feel like its following me.

This picture is about 10 years old and my mother recently just handed me down this t shirt. In her defense, its a nice t shirt and she took good care of it.

The bulletin board in the kitchen has yet another calendar. And all the business cards are lined up very orderly, more than likely so they can be seen. I *almost* moved them all around, but I would like to be welcomed back next time I come home.

I counted 4 pill organizers in plain sight. Lord knows how many are in cabinets. Is this a pre-requisite to your AARP membership? Do you have to flash this at the door with the secret passcode?

I love taking free samples. But where would you get these if you don’t buy them? Do they need to be so tiny?

This has to be a “shore” thing. Who puts a sea sponge on a refrigerator?

There are 2 phones in the same exact spot. I know there has to be a reason. There has to be. They claim they are different lines. But do you need that when your 65 and not running a small business venture from the home?

Yes, these are still hanging. And these are our current ages. I guess its good to remember your kids as you want. And when they come over and see how young they were, its okay that they cry in your arms.


It’s weird, right?

I thought the jar would be bigger.

Im staying here when the zombie apocalypse happens. Who doesn’t like copious amounts of tuna?

What are you touching in a food pantry with these?

Oh boy. What this guy has seen. His innocence is gone.

It’s Disney soap. Did they need your SS# to pay for it?


  And finally. About 25 years ago my mom and dad met Jim Kelly when he was still a working class quarterback. They won a vase and he signed it. (A vase?). 



Aren’t you looking forward to your 60’s? Who wouldn’t want an organized house right about now? I thinking I need to be finding some time to hire my parents and pimp thier services. 

In the mean time…

Keep on keeping on.  

Smile today, wake up with a good memory tomorrow. 



Published by Mandy Greenfield

Writer. Studio Artist. Lover of animals. Sarcastic mama. Hiker. Visual thinker. Kilts and coffee. Funny person. Having fun doing anything inappropriate. Likes medium roller coasters.

One thought on “Things at my Parents House

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