And I am realizing there is no winning. I just gave my kids the best summer of their tiny little existence and all I get is whining about pop tarts. So thus, in the spirit of back to school, I have decided to give ten good reasons why I am, in fact, the biggest asshole on this planet of assholes.
Despite how crappy I act on a near regular basis, my kids still love me. I wonder if it’s built in. You spawned them, so they have to love you. Unless I become the crack whore from fifty shades, I don’t know what else I can do to get them to realize how much I hate them and just want to see them unhappy.
Take yesterday for instance. Which brings us to number one on our asshole countdown.
- We went to the pool. It was 94 degrees. I made them put sunscreen on. Twice. If that’s not enough of a kick in the teeth, I made them purchase ice pops and split them in half. Why? Because I’m an asshole.
- I took them to a museum last week for some culture. They loved it so much I got a membership. When asked why I purchased a membership, I explained that we had such a nice time, we should come back. The response was less than enthusiastic. I can’t believe I made learning fun. I’m such an asshole.
- I am an art instructor, and in the summer, we run kids camps. They are not cheap, most parents shelling out 30 bucks a kid. I made them paint a football, an ice cream cone, the Philly Fanatic and a vase of circle flowers in the month of July alone. I was told recently, “Please don’t make me go back again.” I forgot. You’re right. Painting is so hard. I’m such an asshole.
- I bought them a guinea pig last year that I take care of for them. I’m such an fu****g asshole.
- On our recent annual trip to Busch Gardens, it started raining. So we took them into a restaurant to have a snack, then went to see a show. “Wow that really sucked. I can’t believe we had to sit in here and watch a show while it rained.” I guess I should have let them stand in the rain. Asshole.
- We go on an annual overnight trip to Knobels with their friends every year. I suggested maybe we try a roller coaster this time. One of them made a swooning noise and pretended to faint. I guess that made me just a really big asshole.
- When one of them dropped and broke their tablet (for the second time), I said that they needed to save their money to buy a new one. When that day finally came, and they got the new one, they lost it. I can’t believe, that when we go on trips, they don’t have a tablet to play with in the car. I’m such an asshole for letting that happen. I’m truly ashamed.
- The dog took a shit when we took her to the park. It smelled like shit. I didn’t make them pick the shit up. I picked up the shit. What an asshole!
- Dunkin Donuts was really crowded yesterday so we went to WaWa for donuts instead. They didn’t have strawberry frosting with sprinkles. Can you guess? Asshole!
- I forgot to buy waffles yesterday. They ate peanut butter and jelly for breakfast. They were so distraught, they couldn’t play video games for almost an hour. My assholism knows no bounds.
I don’t quite know how to change my behavior. I mean, I’ve talked to a doctor, went to therapy and take a bunch of pills. Drinking helps, but sometimes, especially the times they get their head caught in a banister, the cops frown upon being drunk and in charge of kids. I guess it’s good for me that I have an attorney in the family. At better yet, an EMT so that can hide the emotional bruises.
All I have to say, is let the school year commence!
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