Hello. How have you been? How is camp? Have you gotten to swim or take a vacation? I haven’t lately.
Wanna know why?
Because you seem to think that summer = it’s okay to fry mo’effers to deaf.
Are you mad at me or something? I don’t mean to sound, like, girlfriendy or anything, but what the hell?
Wait. Is this hell?
When I asked you to keep in touch, I didn’t actually mean you should stalk me with your unbearable, yet lovable heat hugs. K.I.T is something you just write as a nice salutation. Then you know, you give the wrong phone number.
You get around though, don’t you.?
You had to take a break from Australia, which I’m sure was rough for you, and you’re probably missing killing old ladies in apartments with no air conditioning, huh?
I mean, it’s what you DO, right? Aside from all the swimming fun weather you provide. And are you to blame for goggles existing? I would’nt answer that. Parents everywhere may retaliate with pitchforks.
So, you’re kind of a dick. Yeah?
So, friend, let’s talk, because it’s July and I’m starting to lose my patience.
I have some tips for you, and I’m going to keep a list, so you can keep yourself nice and organized.
Here are several reasons why you need to go away, or at the very least tone it down a wee bit:
1. I can’t see when I go outside for the first five minutes or so. The haze is fogging my glasses and if I die, I will come after you. When I’m a ghost, I can follow you all the way to Africa, you prick.
2. I can’t use my oven. Even when the AC is at it’s highest. Wanna know why? Yoooouuu already know why you sneaky tosser. What’s the matter? You don’t like brownies mother fu****?!
3. So, sleeping is great! I love doing it. In fact, it’s my VERY favorite thing besides turtles blowing bubbles and Sam Heughan with his shirt off. So, when my son wanted to have a tent sleep over in the yard I didn’t hesitate. Its my kid, and we are making memories, after all. Well, we WERE, until 2:30am when we promptly had to go into the house to keep the humidity from killing us from the inside out. I bet that was fun for you. I swear I saw you smiling outside the fabric of the heatbox that was our coffin…I mean, tent.
4. I got into the car while in my bathing suit last week, and much to my dismay, my fat mom thighs almost got third degree burns from the leather that had been cooking all morning in your welcoming devil rays. Did you and all the leather in the world make this deal? Do you work for the government? What’s happening?
5. I like to drink coffee. Now I can’t even think about it. And iced coffee doesn’t count. I like my coffee like I like my vaginas. Sweet and warm. And you ruined that for me, you stupid, stupid, bitch.
6. Exercising outside. So that’s not happening. So maybe I need to thank you for that one.
7. I can’t send my kids outside, or I may never see them again. And not because they would get abducted by some fu** nut, but because you would kill them with your sunshiny evil. So now they get to stay in the house with me. ALL day. FU** YOU.
8. I’m fat and things even stick together in COLD weather.
9. I’m so dehydrated I can’t even cry when I watch Grey’s Anatomy reruns. “An hour ago he was proposing.” Nope. Got nothin’! Not even for Denny!
10. You’re even making Republicans believe in global warming. HIYO!
11. Florida is dead. All of Florida. Died.
12. Beaches have turned into skin cancer conventions. Complete with booze and sharks. And kids! You’re going to a special jail cell for that one.
13. Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel was speechless. In fact, the entire weather channel team jumped off a bridge to find the sweet relief of death.
14. My dog won’t shit outside. So she shits inside. I don’t see you offering to clean it up.
15. You owe me one thousand, two hundred, and forty two dollars and eighty four cents. All spent on Sunscreen.
16. Do you like, have a deal going with the people who make BBQ’s, lawnmowers and weed whackers? So when people use them in this heat, they, like, die?
17. I have thrown every blanket I have away.
18. I can’t hug my children because you’re a whore. Don’t. Touch. Me. NOTHING CAN TOUCH ME!
19. Do you not like the 80’s? What’s with staying in the 90’s? The 80’s had better music and a more stable economy. Go back to the 80’s. Please?
20. People move to places like Arizona because they LIKE being hot. And even they hate you. You’re losing your key demographic. I think you need a break. Leave the glaciers alone too, the environmentalists are shitting their panties.
Until next time, stay thirsty, my friends. (And hydrated, please. Seriously.)
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Mandy is a wife and mother who lives in rural Pennsylvania. She is an Art Instructor, a Romance Author, and Sarcastic beastie. To contact Mandy, send her an email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Find her on Facebook: / and twitter @exposedseries. Follow the blog for updates on her smut!