“Your Boobs Smell Like Doritos”–Moments in Marriage

Ah. Marriage.

It’s not just for  Melanie Griffith and Anton….er.

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Jessica Simpson and Nick Lac….gah.

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Celine Dion and Rene Ange….Oh. Wait.

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He’s dead.

He died.

My bad Celine baby. You rock widower in Vegas, there, girlfriend.

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You get so many damn questions about being married when people think your good at it. Those who aren’t married always seem to really wanna be. Those who are roll their eyes at the very idea that they actually did this to themselves. Those who are against it are sometimes even with the ‘It’s a gross interpretation of women’s rights, and enslaves them’ campaign. No it’s not Goldie Hawn. Kurt Russell is really just not that into you.

 

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Truth is, marriage can be quite good with the right person. But with that love, joy, and deep seeded anger, comes….complications.

My complication of the day?

My boobs smelled like Doritos.

Did that stop him?

No.

You know why?

Marriage.

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Everyone has a ‘marriage’ moment. These moments, they aren’t pretty, they don’t sparkle and shine, and they usually consist of the real world colliding with the voices in your head. I know my boobs smelled like Doritos because I ate them, but hearing those words from my darling husband; “Hey, you know babe, your boobs smell like Doritos” made me realize we have just hit the def con 5 stage in our marriage. There is nothing short of bringing up a pee fetish, that’s going to make us run away screaming. And hey, that’s something to celebrate.

So celebrate with me.

Here we go. Reasons for, and why in marriage, we celebrate mediocrity. Because when all the big things are done, and there is nothing left to look forward to, we turn to the little things:

  1. You’re really never going to cheat on me, solely out of pure shame. I like looking at you, I have no issues with the fact that your balls look like the say old man phrases like, “Don’t steal my garbage cans” and you certainly don’t mind the fact that I have at least four constellations worth of stretch marks  JUST on the ass area. If your in the population that does not cheat on your spouse, bravo. It takes a real level headed person to not fall for the “It doesn’t matter to me baby, if it doesn’t matter to you” line. I’m so happy you didn’t succumb to the peer pressures of fucking the gardener.
  2. Waiting for the fart smell to dissipate before you actually get naked. The farts are less of a problem inside the clothing. Outside, well, that’s just gross. Inside, ok, we can still do it. Quick thinking like that saves lives.
  3. Taking the kids to the store so the other person can masturbate in peace. Hey, we are on this planet to please each other sure, but sometimes, it’s just easier to do alone, and we appreciate a spouse who is courteous in giving us that time alone to reflect on the greatness that is a not a rushed, mediocre orgasm.
  4. Chocolate in the secret cupboard. You all have one. Don’t be silly and start lying now. I mean, there is NO WAY those kids would be able to not eat that shit if it was out in the open. You don’t want to set bad examples by not having, fresh, organic produce in the house at all times. Thats why you wait up till almost 11 watching re-runs of Friends, so you can inhale that shit like the sad little addict you are.
  5. Dance offs during school hours. Now, I generally write during those times. It’s a way for me to avoid housework, but when I AM home, Beyonce is usually showing me the ‘Single Ladies’ dance so I can be in her new Mom Video; ‘Moms who love Bey’. She chose me out of all of these people, I mean, it’s such an honor. I win first prize in the video. Every time.
  6. Stop trying to hide your office supplies obsession by scattering them around the house. Everyone knows you love the smell of scotch tape.
  7. A really, good, long poop. I mean, CLEANSING! HALLO! It’s just, such a good way to avoid things. And to not have to lie about the poop is SUCH a bonus. I’ve had to prove them before. And I am A OK with showing my shits to all who can’t take my excuses at face value.
  8. Coffee. I mean, this is necessary as a married person and parent. You need this, it’s essential. But it’s such a small joy. Because, we both know, that when we wake up, we will let that person make that coffee at all costs. Meteors could becoming to earth and I would be jonesing my way to the Keurig for one more cup before the world ends.
  9. The fact that you can buy adult toys on amazon. And not hide them. It’s not a shameful thing. It’s purple and it’s name is Christian Grey.
  10. Getting out your hate in the form of sarcasm. It really never gets old. When I tell you, “No way, I LOVE your shirt tucked in”, you can totally pick that up now and know, really, it’s cute that you tried, but you should never tuck your shirt in, ever again. Sarcasm ABUNDANT. SUCH a great def con marriage tool. Survival at this stage.

Look! I did a whole post without mentioning kids. #govaginago

Enjoy Marriage, Bitches! And look for those little, supple, leather linings that present themselves as pants for people like Sam Heughan (Google that shit if you don’t know. Cuz, DAMN).

Slainte Everyone! Till Next time!

 

Mandy is a wife and mother who lives in rural Pennsylvania. She is an Art Instructor, a Romance Author, and Sarcastic beastie. To contact Mandy, send her an email:exposingmaggie@yahoo.com. Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/M.LWalshAuthor/  and twitter @exposedseries. Follow the blog for updates on her smut!

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