Holidays are shit. And at the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man,
GET OFF MY LAWN!
Here are my issues with the jolly effin’ holidays, in no particular order.
You have too many blow up decorations. No one cares that it’s snowing inside the bubble with the fake snowman family in it. You just wasted a 100 dollars. I could have gotten drunk 10 fold with that money.
Christmas lights are really expensive. And my idea of a good, relaxing weekend does not include untangling these fuckers for hours while the kids skip around me pretending to be productive.
Wrapping paper is waaaaay over rated. You know they sell these bag things right? Plop that shit in there. DONE. Tissue paper? Are you fucking kidding me? No one cares.
Family visits. I don’t want to clean my house. So, you’re not coming over. I’ll mail you your shitty gift card. I’ll see you in the summer when I’m actually happy.
I just spent a thousand dollars on “Black Friday.” You know why it’s black? Like my heart, there is no fucks left to be given. They are making people work on Thanksgiving now. That poor turkey’s life was in vain so you can save a few pennies. You idiots.
“Magic of Christmas” is now translated into “You have to pay 50 dollars for Elf on the Shelf”. No. This thing is creepy. It WILL start moving on its own, I’m sure of it, right before it kills you in your sleep. Either that, or I drank so much I forgot where I put the little shit. He’s with last years easter eggs. Little fucker.
Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special. Lets keep reminding our kids that its okay to bully little bald kids.
School and work “Holiday” parties. Seriously. People are offended by the word “Christ”. I have SO many more words that are far more offensive. Twunt (A twat and a cunt), Fripple (Frosty nipples. It’s the holidays), and Vaginer. (The way JFK would say it, if we was alive that is.) I can give you a much longer list, should you so desire.
People who love Christmas Music. Um. I like a couple of diddies while I am opening up presents. That’s always fun. But every other time it’s completely unnecessary. There are OTHER musicians at this time of year besides Mariah Carey and Michael Buble. If you put Christmas music on in my house without expressed permission, I will cut you.
Christmas Pajamas. Fuck that. I’m wearing my ghostbusters PJs. They bring me happiness. Snowflakes and mittens do not.
Christmas Meals. Okay, I just did this shit on Thanksgiving. You want pie? MAKE IT YOURSELF! I want Chinese food. I will gladly take advantage of the fact that these lovely eastern folks do not celebrate Christmas.
Mandy is a wife and mother who lives in rural Pennsylvania. She is an Art Instructor, a Romance Author, and Sarcastic beastie. To contact Mandy, send her an email:firstname.lastname@example.org. Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/M.LWalshAuthor/ and twitter @exposedseries. Follow the blog for updates on her smut!
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